Hello, I'm Rosie.

Rosie the Pig.

Sus domesticus and all that comes with it.

Like Arnold, but smarter — and cuter.

Like Babe, but I have no desire to run around herding sheep. (They're stupid, but fast. I'm smart enough not to try chasing them.)

For the past few years, I’ve been working with Tommy Breen. We're a team in the sideshow Tommy owns and runs and performs in. A very good team. (He's a great guy.) I wear this cute hat and parade around and do a couple of basic pig tricks in the Western cowboy part of the show, while Tommy moves around on stage directing me. We travel all over doing that. Loads of fun.

By the way, I do not sing in our act. I snort sometimes. Some people call it grunting. But no singing. Thank goodness that Tommy's a big fan of the saying, "Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig." It's true. Very true.

But it's not true that Mark Twain said it. (People give him credit for a lot of things he never said.) It's actually from Time Enough for Love, a science fiction novel by Robert Heinlein. It's on Page 51 in the hardcover copy I read a few years ago.

Pigs are very smart, by the way — certainly smarter than dogs. No, for real. We also have excellent memories, which is why I knew where that quote came from without needing to Google it.

You want to know about my life? When I was a piglet, all I wanted to do was grow up and perform for someone like Tommy, in a show like the one we do. I think I've managed that pretty well. I’m pretty sure Tommy would agree. And even if he didn’t, he’s too polite to say so.

I’m done with my story. It’s time to fly, as some people love to say. Actually, it’s almost time for a nap and then another performance with Tommy. It's great theater.

"All right, Mr. DeMille — I'm ready for my close-up."

Thanks for listening.